SEO for Derps

This is a very old post of mine from 2011. It’s a shitpost, a troll, a joke. tbh I’m surprised I’ve been doing this for so long now.

Search Engine Optimization (SEO) is the technique of making your site more readable for search engines, and increasing your rankings. This is the second article I’ve wrote, the first is Here.

Change your Company Name

Similar to the Yellow Pages days, search engine results are sorted alphabetically, so starting your company name with A’s helps get you to the top sooner. Typically, in computers, numbers would be first (like this: 0123456789ABCD…), however with Google’s WebSense algorithm (who owns Yahoo, Jeeves and Baidu), it puts the letters first since there are so many sites that start with a letter.

Some people may disagree with this point, so Google “AAA Motor Club” and notice that “” is the first result.

Sitemaps Waste Resources

Many SEO companies will tell you a “sitemap” is an important part of getting listed as it helps your companies site get “parsed”. Don’t be fooled by this practice, it’s simply to increase the quoted time it would take to make your site. Hasn’t anybody heard of Google Maps? Why would a company that has a listing of 3D buildings, StreetScenes, latitude and longitude, and a list of all kinds of attractions need a tour guide for your site? Let the mapping software do it for you.

Use of Keywords

When you search a website, does it show you the list of keywords with the words highlighted? No, it shows you a snippet of the web page with the words highlighted. That’s because back when Dial-Up was cancelled, search engines became more powerful and loaded the entire page instead of the keywords.html file. Now, because of that technique being so old, search engines believe that sites with keywords are old sites, and that they’re not valuable to put on the search engine. Keeping your site updated, and deleting keywords is key to getting listed.

Use a Known Reputation

Search engines prefer sites developed by professionals, and as we all know, Mark Zuckerburger (Founder of FaceBook) is an excellent web designer (you should see what he can do with server-side languages like HTML and CSS!)

With this in mind, adding Site by Mark Zukerburger will help your rankings since search engines will assume that you’re affiliated.

Under Construction GIFs

Search Google Image search for “Under Construction Animated GIFs”. You should use one of these pictures whenever you are working on your site, this will tell the search engine that you are improving it, so it will come back and read all of your content and give you better listings. Black Hat SEO companies will sometimes install one of these pictures off the right side of the screen, however the search engine doesn’t look beyond the first 640 pixels from the left side of the screen, so it doesn’t matter.

Invisible Links

You can use the same color for some links as the background to improve site rankings. This prevents users from seeing a link to every page on your site (which you’d put near the bottom), but the search engine will see it, making it think it is useful.

Installing Spyware

Spyware, typically, is viewed as a bad thing. It is ran by large companies to look at your information (spy). On your personal computer, this would be a bad thing, however you should consider adding it to your web server, as that will help the search engines find the information and put it in their listings.

Following this Guide

Will get you deleted from search engines, beat up, and arrested. Take it for humor.

2023 Update: Get Trolled.






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